BigWhinyDefenseman.com

Martin Brodeur

Yup, Marty.

There are lots of things about Marty that make me cringe.  Tonight he just made me shake my head and think…Dude.  Man up.  You are a professional hockey player.

“The referee has to do their job. Today was pretty awful.”

Seriously - you were 2′ out of the crease, and there was a good 5 seconds between the bump and the goal.  Don’t blame the refs because you could not find the shot.

…and throwing your stick to the ice shows all the maturity of a 7 year old.

Inaugural BWA: Martin Brodeur

This was written All-Star weekend, but got lost in the depths of our e-files… enjoy.

Dude, hockey’s dirty.  And this week, it’s not just dirty, it’s ALL-STAR DIRTY.  And All-Star dirty starts before the game.  All-Star dirty starts even before the skills competition.  All-Star dirty starts on the red carpet.  Check it out.

Interviewer: Who do you think, when you’re laying in bed this afternoon, about who’s going down on you tonight?  Who are you most concerned about?
Backstrom: They’re all very good.

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s gonna be a great weekend.  And then comes the skills competition.  And the start of the nostalgia.  And shots of old All-Star games.  And the narration that goes over it.  “He’s got Dominick Hasek bending over, he goes on top… and there’s a smile.”  Ah, nostalgic dirty.  I do miss Hasek.  Oh, and Roy.  Somehow, those two inspired more dirty than anyone else in history.

But on to the All-Star game.  I’d like to begin with this thought: I’m holding a Good Vibrations catalogue, and I’m pretty sure it’s got a vibrator called “the pocket rocket.”  Sorry, Henri, your nickname, it is dirty.

I’m sitting here staring at several pages of All-Star notes, and really, one of them rises so far above the rest that I feel that they are superfluous.  So, what puts the rest of them to shame “They’re starting to get a little warmed up, a little lubed up, plays are starting to work… and speaking of the armed services…”  I don’t have words.  I really don’t.  I also don’t know how Versus failed to give us a close-up of the lubing.  FCC regulations, maybe?   You know, I don’t think I can contemplate this anymore.  It hurts my brain.

That’s all for this week. In the immortal words of Randy Hahn, “there are a lot of Johnsons out there tonight.” Thank you, Randy. Enjoy.

Dude, hockey’s dirty.  I mean, I remember reaching the age when I figured out “why you have great relations with your equipment;” I just never wanted anyone to talk about it on national television.

Now, I’d like to take a moment to examine the phrase “He cuffed Alexander Semin in the neutral zone.”  See, this is one of those particularly beautiful phrases that is dirty in two very distinct ways.  See, when I first heard it, I thought the announcer meant “cuff” in the sense of “to hit”.  When heard in that light, it makes a girl think “Gee, I always thought guys were pretty respectful of other guy’s ‘neutral zones.’  Seriously, even I know that cuffing a guy there is not on.”  However, when it’s followed up with a phrase like “allow all the time in the world for Campbell to spank that” suddenly “cuff” means “to tie up” and we go to a whole new place full of uncomfortable images - especially for Semin.

Sometimes, though the best quotes are the ones you don’t have to think about at all.  “They’re all hookers tonight.”  No depth to that one, and yet - awesome.  Plus, it makes you wonder how much they charge.  I mean, if I sold my car, could I spend an evening dallying with the Lunqvist twins?  Oh, don’t give me that look, you know you were thinking it.

To close out, let’s spare a moment of our sympathy for some of the older guys who just can’t seem to close the deal.  Federov, for example, “thought he had him opened up.  Boy, the veteran just isn’t getting any tonight.”  Maybe if he’d come on hooker night.  And brought cash.

That’s all for this week. In the immortal words of Randy Hahn, “there are a lot of Johnsons out there tonight.” Thank you, Randy. Enjoy.

Dude, hockey’s dirty.  I’d like to lead off here with the quote of the week.  It may even be the quote of the year.  Yeah, I know it’s only January, but still, this might be it.  You ready?  Wait for it.  Waaaaaaait for it.  “Nobody can stand still and undress people better than Zubov.”  Right?  Bet you’re thinking I’m giving you this one out of context.  Here’s the thing.  I’m not.  Really.  Because you see, there is no context here.  Nothing I can give you to help this make sense.  They weren’t talking about defense, or entering the zone or standing people up.  They didn’t follow this statement by any sort of discussion of Dallas’ defensive woes.  Nope, they just blurted and moved on. Awesome.

Knowing that nothing’s gonna top that (except maybe Steckle, who’s “Always happiest when he’s on top, but has certainly been on the bottom a time or two.”), I soldier on anyway.  Did you know that “Theodore’s always been good about keeping his legs shut tight but Brule just seems to know how to coax him into spreading ‘em”?  Yeah.  I didn’t either.  But now I do.  Thanks, guys.  Also, did you know that Crosby just “blew his stack and jumped Brett McLean, of all people, as he bent over”?  First of all, Brett McLean’s not on the bottom of my list; I can see what Crosby might have been thinking.  And secondly, Oh, Sid, don’t you know you’re never gonna get rid of that “the Kid” moniker, if you “blow your stack” before the jumping even starts.  Seriously.  Though I gotta admit, if you’d asked me, Crosby would totally have made my list of the top ten players most likely to have a hair trigger, if you know what I mean.

I’ll leave you with this thought.  The San Jose Stealth has unveiled it’s slogan for the year, “It’s like hockey, but with balls.”  Yeah.  That’s all for this week. In the immortal words of Randy Hahn, “there are a lot of Johnsons out there tonight.” Thank you, Randy. Enjoy.

Dude, hockey’s dirty. Sometimes the players don’t even have to be on the ice for the dirty to happen. Sometimes it happens in the pre-game show. Sometimes it happens like this:

Play by Play Guy: He’s a slick Swede with silky hands.

Color Guy: His touch is just marvelous

Me: Hang on guys. I’m gonna just draw a bubble bath and light some candles, then you can tell me more.

Color Guy: Players who are smart and score know all those little soft spots.

Me: Keep talking.

Color Guy: Feir, Steckle, and Bourque. Very nice. Good comfort between that threesome.

Play by Play Guy: Congratulations Chris Bourque.

Me: Congratulations, indeed. That Steckle’s a hottie.

And speaking of group sex, which, apparently, we are, I offer for your perusal, the following “Kotalik inside Paille, as he was being well-played by Scuderi and Orpik.” We salute you, Play by Play Guy, for that detailed description. Well done you.

But it’s not all group sex out there in the NHL this week. Oh, no. Some guys are keeping in mind what George Michael taught us, “Sex is best when it’s one on one.” Don’t worry, the Play by Play Guy will spell it out for us. “Daniel will work in and out of the slot. He’ll actually go behind Bernier and Bernier will let it go through his legs for a cross crease slam dunk move.” I’m hoping Daniel bought Bernier dinner before the game; otherwise that’s mighty presumptuous of him. No word yet from the Color Guy on that.

My friends, I have made a serious tactical error. I’m actually watching a game while typing this, and I don’t know if it’s that I’m attuned because of typing or if Feir, Steckle, and Bourque are just so happy to be playing together again that they’re secreting some sort of pheromone that’s infecting the press box (kind of like that Star Trek episodes with the flowers and the happy Spock. Anyone? No? Nevermind.), but the dirty surrounding this line will not stop:

Play by Play Guy: Chris Bourque, flattened by Ales Kotilik, rugged winger for the Sabres, powerfully built man. Driving hard into Hurchina.

Color Guy: This line’s looking good.

Play by Play Guy: Is it instincts, Locker? Why do they just click automatically, Bourque, Feir, and Steckle, once they were reunited?

Color Guy: One, chemistry. Two, they complement each other.

Me: Awww. Rugged guys complementing each other. I bet Steckle told Feir that jersey really sets off his peaches and cream complexion (note to self: must figure out which one is Feir).

Color Guy: That line supplies a little bit of everything: up the middle, on the wings, it’s a good looking line.

You know what, guys, I had more. I had many other things from many other games, but I just don’t think I’m gonna top that. So, instead, I’m just gonna close the computer and watching the game. Oh look, they scored. Oh look, they’re happy. Oh look, they’re … in need of a room. With a door. That locks. Right.

That’s all for this week. In the immortal words of Randy Hahn, “there are a lot of Johnsons out there tonight.” Thank you, Randy. Enjoy.

Dude, hockey’s dirty.  Though, after The Week of the Groin, everything feels a little more bearable.  Still, it doesn’t change the basic premise: hockey’s dirty.  And you know what’s worse than announcer dirty?  Ummm, ok, yes, having no hockey at all is worse than announcer dirty, but that wasn’t where I was . . . yes, war is also worse . . . uh, sure, world hunger, but I wasn’t really asking, it was just a rhetorical question so I could make a poi . . . decaf coffee?  You know what?  I can get behind that one.  Decaf coffee is a crime against God and man.  Seriously folks, drink leaded or don’t drink at all.  Decaf coffee is of the devil.  ‘Nuf said.

Back on point, know what’s worse than announcer dirty?  (Shut up.)  Announcer dirty, supported by on-ice player dirty.  “What?”  you ask.  And well you might.  Here.  I’ll give you an example.

Announcer: Green races back into the zone, but here’s Heatley coming hard, right up on him.

Johnson (The goalie, caught on an ice level mic): Hard On, Hard On.

Me:  Wow, NHL goalies are observant; I can’t see a thing through all that gear.  Plus, Heatley’s refractory period is admirable to say the least.

Yeah.  Like that.   In another game, the play by play guy, just doing his job, informs us that “Rob Blake climbs on top of him,”  Which wouldn’t be so bad, ignorable even, if we couldn’t hear another Shark yelling “Go, go, go.”  Really?  I mean, I know the Sharks are off to a rockin’ start, but do they really have time to pause in game and admire Blake’s mounting of opposition players?  Head in the game boys; head in the game.

And finally, Mr. Announcer, sir, I’ll admit, I’m very interested in meeting “a big guy who’s always had great hands in tight areas,” but really, I’m thinking that’s the kind of information that should be shared privately on, like, a third date, not broadcast to the entire world.  A little discretion, if you please.  As for how you happen to know this about the guy, well, I shudder to speculate.

That’s all for this week. In the immortal words of Randy Hahn, “there are a lot of Johnsons out there tonight.” Thank you, Randy. Enjoy.

I would sweep my kitchen and front hall waaaay more often if I had this. From Gearfuse:

Dude, hockey’s dirty. And this week has been no exception. Both my teams have been in rare form, and their ever excitable announcers have been in rare form as well. The TiVo remote has been given quite a workout, with accompanying shouts of “Oh! How did he stop that?” and “Seriously, how did he stop that?” and “Holy cow, he just wired that into the corner!” and “Can you even say that on the air?” That last one wasn’t even me.

I watch hockey games in two different ways, depending on my mood. Either I fast forward through anything that isn’t hockey (including the 15 seconds between puck drops, effectively driving NickyR crazy), or I demand that we watch *everything*, including those stupid on-the-bench interviews, which I object to because, seriously, folks, those guys are trying to play a game here, sometimes with limited success. Stop distracting them. My point being that, in the right mood, I love the little, behind the scenes pieces of info. I’m totally trying that German restaurant where the German players eat, and the fact that Joe Thornton likes “a long, stiff stick” (his words, not mine) is endlessly fascinating to me. Still, at no point did I need to know that “He and White have had a little thing since his first game. Last night he had another opportunity and banged White hard.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that; it’s just really, really personal information to be throwing out to the world in general.

And speaking of personal choices, did you know that, while watching the Blackhawks, I discovered that, not only did the nice Hawk defenseman get the puck, he also “got the sandwich job from Vlasic and Blake.” Uh? Did he pay extra for that? I mean, sure, Blake, he’s known for giving out free “sandwich jobs.” He’s played for LA, and you know how those Kings are, but Vlasic? Frankly, I thought he was above all that.

In even more disturbing news, “Marian Hossa has a skillful package & penetrates at odd angles.” Really? Odd angles? What, exactly, makes the angle of his penetration odd? You know what? Don’t tell me. I really don’t want to know.

This week’s Dirty From The Archives: “How do you score on a butterfly goalie? Well, first you have to coax him into spreading his legs, then you slam it home before he can close them.” Seriously, folks. I cannot make this stuff up.

That’s all for this week. In the immortal words of Randy Hahn, “there are a lot of Johnsons out there tonight.” Thank you, Randy. Enjoy.

KuklasKorner | On the Forecheck | Sharks seeking revenge:

…since I’m feeling in a generous mood, I thought I’d share some of San Jose’s “Fin Facts” with you as an appetizer until the puck drops…

Team captain Patrick Marleau “can undress out of his hockey gear in a team-low 45-seconds.”

I am having a vision of the Brian Boucher with a stop watch and… (see, he’s the goalie, so he’s out of the running for this one because of having to get the pads off and… Oh, never mind.)

I can’t get my skates off in 45 seconds. Now I recognize that Patty’s been taking hockey gear off roughly 10,000 times as long as I have, but that’s some mighty fast undressing.

This opens up a whole raft of questions. Like… was this a team-sponsored contest? What was the prize? Conversely, who takes the longest? Is Patty also the fastest in the showers? Exactly how desperate is the PR staff for factoids?

Really, I may be too young for this level of detail.

Dude, hockey’s dirty. And I’m not talking boys-put-those-elbows-down-Chris-stop-stomping-on-that-guy dirty either. I’m talking the hey-come-in-here-you-won’t-believe-what-they-just-said-on-the-air kind of dirty. Now, I little history. I am not easily impressed by announcer dirty. I grew up watching football. You know, football: the game where the point is to go long and deep and achieve penetration? Yeah. Football. I can screen out almost anything. “So why then,” you ask “ are you pestering us with hockey dirty.” First off, you clicked on the link, so don’t be blamin’ me. Secondly, it was the TV play-by-play guy down in Florida. See, I was watching this Tampa Bay game, not really giving it my full attention, when the announcer says clearly “John Grahame drops to his knees and swallows.” I pause for a moment of stunned silence, then grab the TiVo remote and rewind to hear what he actually said. What he actually said was “John Grahame drops to his knees and swallows.” Seriously? Just like that? No set up? I mean, I’ve seen . . . er . . . heard of movies that start like that, but I’m a girl, I like a little story before we jump into the . . . I rewind again, and call everybody in the house over to make sure that A) I heard what I think I heard and B) it’s really as bad as I think. Yes and yes. The best part? Well, we finally let it play through. After The Statement, there’s a good 5 seconds of dead are, then a small sound from the color guy, after which the play-by-play man announces, in an aggrieved voice “the puck.” Yeah. The color guy thought it was dirty too. Awesome. And then the floodgates opened. I was hearing it everywhere. I mean, once you’re listening for it, you can’t miss it. Guys who can’t get it up don’t score. But it’s alright; it happens to everybody from time to time. You know who else can’t score? People who grip the stick too tightly. Yeah, see, I remember having this conversation in high school. The Girls Who Knew About That Sort Of Thing were very clear about gripping the stick tightly, but not too tightly. And do not even get me started on the time the Sharks had a guy named Loyns on the team. Every time he got “ground against the boards” I nearly died laughing. Yeah, I’m 12. Deal with it.

But my point, and I do have one, is that hockey is dirty. And hockey announcers are dirty. And in this space, we shall celebrate that fact.

That’s all for this week. In the immortal words of Randy Hahn, “there are a lot of Johnsons out there tonight.” Thank you, Randy. Enjoy.

Question of the Day: What do you say to a hockey player to wish them luck before a game? Actors say “Break a leg”. Given the current status of Torrey Mitchell (Sharks) and Chris Chelios (Wings), that’s right out. Dancers use “Merde” (which means sh*t in French – this has potential). And I hear opera singers say “Toi Toi Toi”, whatever that heck that means. Suggestions welcome.

Welcome to BigWhinyDefenseman.com, which one of us (Judy) claims “has very little to do with actual whiny defensemen. It’s just a funny name.” She lies. Back in the 2000 playoffs when San Jose took the #1 seeded Blues in 7 games, Chris Pronger became the whipping boy of Sharks fans. The more we harassed him, the more Pronger exploded all over the ice. Some wag put up a sign at the Shark Tank with “www.bigwhinydefenseman.com” on it, and it’s been a personal favorite ever since. Years later, we remain united in our hatred of the now former Blue, former Oiler and former (ha!) captain of the Ducks. It comes with being a Sharks fan, along with a disdain for Ed Belfour, the Dallas Stars and the Detroit Red Wings.

Besides watching (a little too much) hockey, I am learning to play goal (badly) in a local league. Again, for this, I blame Judy. She found the original hockey class a couple years ago. Neither of us took it at the time, but it did mean most of my other friends did, and the hockey vortex was inescapable. End result, I like goalies, with the exception of the now blessedly retired Belfour. Even the current Dallas Stars’goalies. All of which leads me to…

The Stars have been struggling this season, much of which has been blamed on Marty Turco having a rough start to the season (4-6-2, 3.93 GAA, .858 SV%). Now Marty usually starts slow, but this is probably the worst stretch of his entire career. How bad is bad? I wondered what those numbers actually meant in comparison to the team I know best, the Sharks. The Sharks have been winning. A lot. And despite the so-so numbers of our starter, Evgeni Nabokov. (10-2, 2.72 GAA, .891 SV%).So, I broke out the old spreadsheet to do a little game-by-game analysis.

Here are the breakdowns:

Sharks
Record: 10-2-0
Home Record: 8-0-0
Away Record: 2-2-0

click to embiggen

Stars
Record: 4-6-2
Home Record: 1-1-2}
Away Record: 3-5-0

click to embiggen

What do I take out of this? No big news, Marty’s been sucking in multiple bunches, vs Nabby who has only sucked in one medium-sized bunch. But take a look at the offensive numbers – there’s a ¾ of a goal per game difference there. If the Sharks don’t provide some great goal support against the Flyers, suddenly they are 8-4 (16 points). Still good, but not spectacular. And if the Stars could actually score against the Preds and Blues on the road, they become 6-4-2 (14 points). The margin for error is razor-slim in this post-lockout league. Score when your goalie is letting in beach balls, and the world changes a lot.

And now, what about the backups? No need to get all geeky, the stat summaries say it all. Brian Boucher (3-1-0, 1.00 GAA, .958 SV%) vs Tobias Stephan (1-1-0, 3.53 GAA, .857 SV%). First of all… Tobias who? And second, 1.00 GAA? That’s just gaudy. Oh yeah, this is the guy who holds the modern-day record for consecutive shut-outs with 5 in a row. The Sharks went and got him last year when their baby backup wasn’t getting enough playing time. What did the Stars do? Traded their talented backup to Tampa Bay and bring up this poor Swiss kid named Tobias. (What is it with Swiss goalies? Are they the next big thing in goaltending after the Finnish?) So the Stars pretty much have no choice but to let Turco work his problems out in games. And he may be there now, letting in only 2 goals in each of the last 2 games.

Hey Stars fans? Lay off Marty Turco. Sadly for us in Sharks-land, he’ll be fine. If you have to whine, yell at your co-GM’s for not getting him a better backstop. And pray to the hockey gods for Turco’s health. Just ‘cause Brodeur is out for 4 months doesn’t mean lightning can’t strike in Dallas, too.

And in honor of Boucher: Boosh!

We’re here. Watch for the Weekly Dirty and other fun posts from four female hockey fans. This site was inspired by a sign seen at a Sharks game when Pronger was in town, but this site isn’t 100& dedicated to torching Pronger. Probably not even 10%. But I’m sure we’ll do it at some point. NickyR is our technical chick, GoalieGirl is our Weekly Dirty columnist, and Judy (me) is just sort of allaround fangirl. DBSchwein is here too, not sure what her contributions will be, but they’ll be awesome as well. Updates may be sporadic, but they’ll be worth checking back, I promise.